whatever

I’ve claimed a thousand times and more before that I have mastered the art of unrequited love.  It’s relatively plain and simple — but that is not to say it is also full of twists and turns. That is why I could claim with passion that I could love without having a relationship.

I wonder why people claim to fear love. Some might have no experience anywhere near it, but still have a lot of thoughts that scare them.  Others, i would understand, especially if they came from a series of failed relationships and heartaches. But what is there to fear about love? When it is absolutely the greatest thing/event life has to offer!

Perhaps, it really isn’t love that people fear. I suppose it’s the relationship that goes with it. That would be more logical and acceptable. Love isn’t complicated; relationships are. Love has no demands; the latter has one too many. Commitment alone is such a loaded word. Kaya naman, I am celebrating unrequited love!

Di ba, when you love, you don’t necessarily ask the person to love you back. if they do, that’s cool..if they don’t, it sucks for a while, pero you’ll soon realize that you don’t care. You just love the person. And it is entirely up to you to decide if you’re going to act on it. Should you decide to let the person know is entirely up to you. But I guess, after some time, mahahalata din yun — hindi man nung tao, pero at least, yung mga taong nakapaligid sayo. Because that’s how love works — it grows from within and spreads around you.

Pero, if you choose to let the person know, there could be a hundred possible consequences. Sa possible reactions pa lang, madami na..ano pa kaya sa mga posibleng mangyari pagkatapos, di ba? Kaya naman, keeping it to yourself may seem selfish and tiring, but make sure you have prepared well for whatever may come should you decide to express to the beloved how you feel.

Love shouldn’t be so complex. Savor the feeling and the moment — because you will never love the same way twice.

I have this weird habit of looking up words in the dictionary out of the blue. Sometimes, I get fascinated by new words with difficult spelling or pronunciation. Other times, i just browse for the heck of it. A while ago, i decided to find out what regret means. It was defined by Webster as, " deep sorrow caused by something beyond one’s power to remedy."  I was amazed at the accuracy of its description. That is the very essence of regret — you cannot do anything about it, which makes you feel worse.

Another term that came up was lie. It said it refers to "an untrue statement made with intent to decieve." So no matter how the purest of intentions you may have for withholding from anybody the valuable truth, it will never be up to any good. For deception will never be acceptable and will never make things any better.

So why then, is it still difficult for people to express themselves? When we have almost every possible word coined for even the most abstract ideas? Perhaps, we all need to brush up on our vocabulary vault — maybe then, it wouldn’t be so hard!

Pilit ko mang itanggi sa sarili

Sadyang di maikukubli

Ang damdaming di kumupas

Taon man ang lumipas.

Na kung itatakda ng tadhana

Na ika’y muling makita

Di ko lubos na mapaghahandaan

Ang mga bagay na sana’y di mo na malaman.

Sapagka’t wala pa ring nag-iba

Sa agam-agam ko’t gunita –

Ikaw at ikaw pa rin

Ang tanging sinisinta.

That was quite a mouthful.

I never thought there was such a term.

It refers to the inability of an individual to define or verbalize his/her feelings. Amazing! And I thought, it was just plain confusion..or slacking (a delaying tactic dahil either di pa makapili ng timing or di pa makapili, period.)

It is also related to verbal intelligence (and this is supposedly gender-biased). So of course, this goes to say that to have this gross inability, you have to meet the signs and symptoms as stated by the clinician.

Oh well.

Some things are really better left unsaid.

Can hardly wait — oh yeah, Christmas!

I am sorry if I can’t seem to find the words

to tell you how I feel.

(Or it could also be that

I can’t find the feelings I have to put into words).

You always whine about me

not being able to understand.

(Or it could also be

you simply refuse to understand.)

I can’t seem to make you happy.

(either I don’t know how,

or I really am not the one to make you happy.)

You said you had to go

but wanted to stay

(or had you been meaning to stay

but I seemed to want to let you go.)

Hear this?

(Listen. It’s not quite the same.)

I find it amusing when people ask me, "O, kumusta ka na?" It would have been fine if it ended there. However, the follow up question almost always is, "May boyfriend ka na ba ulit?" Sheesh! Was I so caught up in my previous relationship that to ask how I’m doing is synonymous with having a new one?

I suppose, I will not be hearing the end of it, and expect more to come as the Christmas season approaches. Luckily, the spirit seems to be dragging its feet. It’s just a few more days till December, and noticeably, there are only a few establishments that play Christmas carols or put up christmas decors. When I was a kid, September 1 pa lang, Christmas na!

Oh, perhaps I am officially a reluctant member of the "Samahang Malamig ang Christmas" this year. Reluctant because I know I could always find ways to keep warm..with friends and family. Corny, but it’s true. They have always been my special someone, in one way or another. Even my students, add life and color in an otherwise humdrum day. I am not saying I don’t need a lifelong partner anymore, but why focus on what’s not there?

The problem of overlooking what you already have has always been a major source of depression and insecurity.  When in fact, God has always been there to provide for our every need, to fulfill our deepest desires, to accompany us as we journey through this life. And now that Christmas is coming, it’s about time we give our attention, and focus on the essence of what it really means. It’s our Savior’s birthday..and to give him our time and devotion for this season, perhaps, might be the best way to celebrate it.